Thursday, February 24, 2011

I stop. Something is wrong, but I suppose I should be used to it. The vision before me collapses like an imploded star, and I wake up, back to the confines of my bed. Only vaguely do I realize there is ringing in the background. My soft pillow and flannel sheets try to coax me back into my slumber. What is that infernal racket? The noise finally pushes past my clouded brain, my alarm clock! I blindly lunge towards the it while trying to stay covered by the warmth of my blankets. Clothes and books distract my hands as I try to feel it. Both the ringing and my temper increases. Make it stop! With a final lurch I drop from my bed and onto the rough carpet, burning my elbows as I slid. I quickly scour the floor and finally grab hold of the clock. It takes all of my restraint in order to not smash it as I turn it off. My eyelids flutter after I flop onto the ground; I try to recall the previous world I fell out of. Fatigue clouds my memory and I know if I stay here any longer I won't be able to get up again. As I stumble into the hallway I immediately feel a cool breeze hits my face. Chills runs up my spine but I reluctantly stumble on until I approach the living room. I reach for the temperature panel and turn the heat up several degrees. There is a small quilt on the sofa next to my dad reading the newspaper. After a subtle hello, I take the quilt then swing it over my shoulders, still quivering. My mom is getting my sister ready for school so I sneak into my parent's room and swiftly float towards the cool metal vent in the corner. The carpet is no longer a threat to my skin but a soft padding that urges me to place my head next to the heater. I curl inside the quilt that has transformed into a soft cave. My knees automatically tuck into my chest and I shiver as I wait for the cool air to turn warm. The long metal sends shocks through my fingertips but I know it is only temporary. Thud! a low buzz fills my ears; the warm air now fills my small chamber. First it leisurely swings past and I happily embrace the warmth, but it soon changes and becomes more assertive. The air flows past my face and the soothing heat slowly warms my core, spreading to each limb. The rush of the wind passes through me and the cold gradually submits. Its sweet breath whispers in comfort and its feathered touch causes my mind to drift. I soon escape to my dreams.

3 comments:

  1. This is really nice Christina, and the imagery is really vivid. I loved the line "What is that infernal racket?"; it made me laugh becuase everyone can relate to that! The paragraph sounds a little choppy though at times, so I would add some commas here and there and also substitute some periods for commas. That will help vary the sentance lengths a little more. I know it's hard, but I would also try to start a few less sentances with 'I', to make it a tad less repeptitive. Oh, and try using 'the' a little less. Nice piece!!!

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  2. I love your description!
    I would maybe use "i" i bit less and add is some commas and periods. This composition is like the story of my life in the morning! i loved your last two sentences "Its sweet breath whispers in comfort and its feathered touch causes my mind to drift. I soon escape to my dreams."
    Very nice!!

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  3. "Something is wrong but it has happened before."
    it might just be me, but it seems a little awkward, abrupt even. i understand fragments as well as the next person, but this just .. i think it should flow more. maybe add in some more words : eeee i don't know which ones though..

    "With a final lurch I drop from my bed and onto the carpet. It feels so rough on my skin in comparison. " this could probably be a little less stuttered. a lot of your sentence structure is very.abrupt.and.broken. for the beginning, it works, because 'you' have just been broken from a restful slumber, but right now, it's kind of repetitive and i get the sense that i want to break out of it and just have flow.

    other than that, this piece was well done. maybe make a few more sentences flow so it's not so fragmented; but your imagery was visible. i could see a lot of what you were describing.

    bravo.

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